If you achieve the moon that someone else defined for you, than did you really achieve your moon?
~Fawn
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Birthdays Come with An Expiration Date!
Today is my birthday. Another year that I question why I haven’t done more, seen more, lived more…just more! What is holding me back. I look younger than my actual years, have the energy of a 30-year-old and desire to live life to its fullest, so what is holding me back from doing more.
Over the past 10 years, the weeks leading up to my birthday were met with either dread or excitement. Unfortunately, this year’s feelings fell into the first category. Each birthday comes with a reminder that my time to do something extraordinary with my life is dwindling. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing, what am I holding myself back from ?
I am a Certified Project Manager by trade, pretty darn good if I say so myself, that is my occupation. I am not sure if my occupation, which I enjoy, is the same as my life’s passion. Is my occupation the thing that fulfills that emptiness that comes with not doing your passion, your God-given talent. Maybe for some their occupation is their passion, I am not sure if that is the case for me.
Birthdays that fall into the category of feeling dreadful normally end with me vowing to make a change to stop looking at what I haven’t accomplished and focus on what I have. I realized last night that yes I recognize where I am, but I need to stop pacifying myself during my depressing times by saying that I am ok with where I am. Each time I tell myself that I am ok with where that I am, I am lying to myself because the feelings of dread is still somewhere deep within. Even on those birthdays that are met with excitement, that is generally because I am going someplace to celebrate my birthday but it is not because I felt that I was living to my potential. The birthday excitement is short-lived.
I can’t say that I have the answers to what I am supposed to be doing, my passion, but I can say that I will keep trying until I figure it out. I don’t have the answers to how I will figure it out but I will keep trying until I do. Lying to myself is not an option any longer, life on earth has an expiration date on it and I want to make sure that I live my passion before it expires.
Is Something Wrong with My Church Walk?
I have been a church goer for the better part of my life. It started with attending a Catholic nursery school and continued through high school. I attended mass during the week and on the weekends either attended Catholic mass or Baptist worship service. In college I joined the gospel choir and attended services on Sunday at a Baptist church not far from my university. A year or so after graduating I joined a Baptist church and became an active member. In 2000 I got baptized, full body immersion in the baptismal pool. I’ve attended bible study and participated in several study groups, I think/thought I was doing the right thing.
Yet with all my past and current involvement, I still don’t seem to have the same fire that I see in others during Sunday services or other church related events. I see people crying in the spirit and / or talking in tongues, but none of that for me. I see people in church that walk with crown of entitlement on their head when in church, I don’t feel it. Am I doing something wrong? I see people who get excited about reading God’s word, I enjoy a good scripture but I have never been over the moon about reading the Word. I would think after being immersed in holy water I would be the model church goer but it has been years, still no tongue talking for me.
I’ve heard of church goers that believe strongly in women not wearing pants to church or wearing sleeveless tops are inappropriate. The worse church attire sin of them all is to wear jeans to church, really?? I am guilty on all 3 accounts and to top it off, I have 2 tattoos, I guess these things are what make my church walk wrong?
I am a Christian under construction, in action and spirit I try to live a life that I believe aligns with Jesus’s teachings but when it comes to the church walk I just don’t have it. I will be under construction until the day I die, I don’t think I will ever be the polished and complete model church goer… maybe that is what is wrong with my church walk?
Perhaps I am blurring the lines of being a church goer with being a Christian?
Needed to Woosah
Lately I have felt very anxious and challenged in my spirit. For every positive thought, a negative thought crept to mind – almost verging on anger or sometimes annoyance. I believe it started a couple of weeks ago, but can’t recall a specific trigger that brought it on. One day I started recognizing my unpleasant thoughts, for no apparent reason – things started annoying me. Some of those things were prior annoyance that I learned to overcome but yet here they were again, others were new annoyance – so I thought??
Fawn being Fawn, I believe that there is a reason for everything so I kept asking myself why am I getting so worked up. This was an inner agitation rather an outer agitation, only my spirit could see and feel the weight of it. What I realized is that I hadn’t done my yoga regularly since first week in December. Those deep breathing exercises and purposeful movements really helped challenge my energy. I have done yoga off / on since I was in child, various types of yoga. I remember my mom enrolling me into a yoga class for children to help calm me, it worked. As an adult I enjoy Bikrm and Hot Vinyasa yoga, lately more of the Hot Vinaya because Bikram yoga and straighten hair is not a good combination.
The disappointments, annoyances and stressors have always been there and will always be there however I had learned to overcome them through my practices of yoga. During my drive home today I felt those same negative thoughts attempting to invade my mind again, but tonight I was determined to get back into myself and channel my energy to a better place. I wasn’t able to make it to yoga class this evening however I was able to turn my living room into my yoga studio for 5 minutes. I sat still for 5 minutes, focusing on my deep breaths and speaking words of affirmation to myself. I took time to woosah; calm and relax myself.
I will make it a personal ritual to make sure I get my woosah moments in. I can’t be the leader that I know I am destined to be by allowing unproductive, toxic and draining thoughts to impact my space. I am not saying that I still won’t cut someone a look when they annoy me however I will be quicker to respond with an internal woosah to elevate myself back to my happy place…. baby steps 🙂
These Three Words
Life begins and it ends, the words spoken (or unspoken) during that time can create a life filled with regret or happiness ~ the choice is ours to make.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014, Philadelphia lost its first female firefighter in the line of duty. Leaving home that day to work overtime, I am sure she didn’t think that it would be the last time she would see her 16-year-old son or 16 month old daughter, yet it was. I can’t imagine what the family is experiencing; do they regret not saying or doing something.
Stevie Wonder has a song called ‘These Three Words’; the words I Love You. A couple of lines in the song: These three words, Sweet and simple, These three words short and kind, These three words always kindles an aching heart to smile inside.
Three simple words that hold such power, creates hope in times of despair and loneliness. Those simple words can be the start to healing a broken relationship or the last words spoken to someone.
During this holiday season, give the greatest gift of all, your love. Give the gift that is spoken, don’t hold it in even if you think the person already knows it, make sure whoever it is knows that you love them. Don’t let the giving of this gift end on December 31st, give it freely throughout the year – it is the gift that cost you nothing but may hold tremendous value to the receiver.
Tomorrow is not promised, send your love today!
Who Writes My Blueprint
Who defines my life’s purpose and the steps I take to between birth and death.
Am I viewing the blueprint wrong because at the age of 41 I am not married and have no children, I am not known as mother or wife….. is my blueprint defective or incomplete. Am I viewing the blueprint meant for another?
When did I make the decision to follow someone else’s image of my life versus following my own, when did I give the power away?
How many girls once brewing with high self-esteem and self-love turned into images of what others deemed as the perfect girl; now becoming just a distant memory of what they were…now basing their self-image on some else’s requirements.
Leaders talk about the importance of paving your own path and not following status quo yet there are tons of books written by these same leaders giving guidance on how to become a great leader…huh?? In reality they are not teaching you how to become a great leader, rather they are teaching how to follow their blueprint to success. Their blueprint that is specific to them, not you or I.
Why is it so difficult to gain acceptance, maybe that is the problem – by looking to gain acceptance we are looking for the world to approve our blueprint. Maybe we should stop looking to gain acceptance and rather to live a life unapologetically according to our own design.
I am tired of apologizing; living according to someone else’s blueprint. I own the power to my own destiny, path to my success and am the ultimate maker of turning my dreams into reality.
God created my blueprint uniquely for me….. I will not waste another second giving another flawed human being the power to rewrite my uniquely defined blueprint!
What’s In Your Wallet
We have all seen the commercials that has the tagline: What’s In Your Wallet. That tagline has been running through my head for the past couple of months which not a coincidently aligns with the start of a new position a couple of months ago. For me starting a new position or any other venture for the first time can be a scary yet exciting time, a time filled with nervousness and sometimes a little self-doubt. In the past the scary and self-doubting voices would be so loud that it would overshadow the feelings of excitement and nervousness; I believe that nervousness is a great thing (that will be expounded upon in a future post).
Over the past 6 -8 months my meditation and prayer time has been focused on me gearing up for this new phase of my life and equipping me with the tools for this journey. This has been purposeful journey, where based on God’s direction I have been equipping myself with what is needed to allow me to embrace this exciting time and not allow my alter ego who I call Ms. Critical to steal this time. Ms. Critical is my self-doubting voice, the voice that echoes that I am not good enough to succeed at this task or that I am destined to fail. It is a daily struggle to move Ms. Critical to the background; it is not something accomplished overnight but day by day I see the improvement.
I personally interpret What’s in Your Wallet to mean what are the tools I equip myself with each day, it is my choice to equip myself with negative or positive tools. Continue reading
Are You Investing In Your Reality or Someone Else’s
I was sitting on the couch mindlessly watching yet another reality TV show when it hit me – why am I investing in someone else’s reality. Earlier in the day I was reading The Wealth Choice by Dr. Dennis Kimbro, in the book it talks about the choices that those making 7 figure incomes make. One of the choices made by the wealthy is they chose to invest in themselves. Reality TV is how the cast on those shows earn their income but as I sat there helping them earn their income, I am not maximizing my ability to earn mine. Each time I choose to do something other than empower, uplift and educate myself, I am not walking in my God-given destiny of wealth and prosperity. Continue reading
Shut-Up and Just Do Something
Have you ever wanted to say to someone ‘shut-up and just do something’. We have all felt a since of stagnation at one point or another in our lives; a feeling of running in place or unsure of what to do. During those times of feeling stuck, what happens next is more important then the feeling of being stuck…. the next should be what are you doing to get unstuck. Folks get so content with just talking but not moving. We all know someone that can talk about what they are going to do but never do a darn thing, I consider this being stagnant. Dictionary.com defines stagnation as failure to develop, progress, or advance. Continue reading
What The Wizard of Oz Taught Me
The Wizard of Oz is one my favorite childhood movies, I looked forward to watching it every year around Thanksgiving. I loved how at the end Dorothy and Toto were reunited with their family and that her 3 travel companions had their wishes granted by the Great Oz. As a child that was all that I saw, nothing beyond the surface of the storyline. But that changed when I watched it again, this time I was in my 30s. Continue reading
Simply Fawn 
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