Archive | March 2015

Birthdays Come with An Expiration Date!

Mar27

Today is my birthday. Another year that I question why I haven’t done more, seen more, lived more…just more! What is holding me back.  I look younger than my actual years, have the energy of a 30-year-old and desire to live life to its fullest, so what is holding me back from doing more.

Over the past 10 years, the weeks leading up to my birthday were met with either dread or excitement. Unfortunately, this year’s feelings fell into the first category.  Each birthday comes with a reminder that my time to do something extraordinary with my life is dwindling.  I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing, what am I holding myself back from ?

I am a Certified Project Manager by trade, pretty darn good if I say so myself,  that is my occupation.  I am not sure if my occupation, which I enjoy, is the same as my life’s passion.  Is my occupation the thing that fulfills that emptiness that comes with not doing your passion, your God-given talent.  Maybe for some their occupation is their passion, I am not sure if that is the case for me.

Birthdays that fall into the category of feeling dreadful normally end with me vowing to make a change to stop looking at what I haven’t accomplished and focus on what I have.  I realized last night that yes I recognize where I am, but I need to stop pacifying myself during my depressing times by saying that I am ok with where I am.  Each time I tell myself that I am ok with where that I am, I am lying to myself because the feelings of dread is still somewhere deep within. Even on those birthdays that are met with excitement, that is generally because I am going someplace to celebrate my birthday but it is not because I felt that I was living to my potential. The birthday excitement is short-lived.

I can’t say that I have the answers to what I am supposed to be doing, my passion, but I can say that I will keep trying until I figure it out. I don’t have the answers to how I will figure it out but I will keep trying until I do. Lying to myself is not an option any longer, life on earth has an expiration date on it and I want to make sure that I live my passion before it expires.

Is Something Wrong with My Church Walk?

Mar22

I have been a church goer for the better part of my life.  It started with attending a Catholic nursery school and continued through high school.  I attended mass during the week and on the weekends either attended Catholic mass or Baptist worship service.  In college I joined the gospel choir and attended services on Sunday at a Baptist church not far from my university.   A year or so after graduating I joined a Baptist church and became an active member.   In 2000 I got baptized, full body immersion in the baptismal pool.  I’ve attended bible study and participated in several study groups, I think/thought I was doing the right thing.

Yet with all my past and current involvement, I still don’t seem to have the same fire that I see in others during Sunday services or other church related events.  I see people crying in the spirit and / or talking in tongues, but none of that for me.  I see people in church that walk with crown of entitlement on their head when in church, I don’t feel it.  Am I doing something wrong?  I see people who get excited about reading God’s word, I enjoy a good scripture but I have never been over the moon about reading the Word.  I would think after being immersed in holy water I would be the model church goer but it has been years, still no tongue talking for me.

I’ve heard of church goers that believe strongly in women not wearing pants to church or wearing sleeveless tops are inappropriate.  The worse church attire sin of them all is to wear jeans to church, really??  I am guilty on all 3 accounts and to top it off, I have 2 tattoos, I guess these things are what make my church walk wrong?

I am a Christian under construction, in action and spirit I try to live a life that I believe aligns with Jesus’s teachings but when it comes to the church walk I just don’t have it.  I will be under construction until the day I die, I don’t think I will ever be the polished and complete model church goer… maybe that is what is wrong with my church walk?

Perhaps I am blurring the lines of being a church goer with being a Christian?